Chapter 7

Women

Generally, the Indian languages give secondary standards to the women. But this is not uniform. Though a definite generalisation is not possible, the South Indian languages are generally more meaner to the women. But this statement is only for the persons who come in the lower indicant bracket. For the women who belong to the higher indicant level, this statement does not mean anything. For example, in Malayalam, the lower indicant words used for she are Oal or Avaal, both derogatory words and used in reference to women of low social standing.

Now who does the measurement? The other persons in the society. It can be a terrible power for the outsider to measure a person and pronounce a measurement of a person's social value, in such a short and crisp manner. Nobody can restrain another person in this. And once a woman is judged as of lower social value, the whole package of lower indicant words get packed on her personality. The word Ningal (You) will metamorphosis into Nee, with a shocking speed. The word for For Her, turns from Orkku to Oalku, spontaneously. 

The only person who can rise above the tyranny of these words, as a matter of right, is the government employee. For, the government employees have succeeded in establishing their right to the upper indicant words.

But beyond the outer social factor, in husband-wife relations, the intimacy has a vector factor. I mean, there is a factor of direction in this relation. The wife is assigned the lower indicant words. And the higher indicant words are reserved for the husband. Yet, this reservation is only between them. The outer world may or may not acknowledge these levels.

In a typical Indian family, where the whole structure is built up on the feudal hierarchy of the language, there are a lot of complicated strings of hierarchies, sometimes each of them mutually competing against each other.

Husband-Wife Relationship: First of all, let us consider the husband-wife relationship. It is not one based on friendship and equal partnership, for that would necessarily symbolise and also presuppose an equality in communication.

Generally, in Indian languages, the wife cannot address her husband by name, while the reverse is possible.  It is not just a mere matter of calling by name, but that once a person is addressed by first name, the natural tendency in Indian languages is to use the more intimate forms for the words `You' `He' etc. but which when used in regards to one's husband may signify disrespect and insult.  The husband can use the lesser form of address and reference for wife, but the wife should consistently use respectful terms for her husband.

The situation is comparable to the communication between an adult and a child; or between that of a master and his servant; for the words used are the same.  So, in Indian languages, the husband-wife communication is same as adult-child or master-servant relation and hence the society generally confers similar status to the women.  Just like the master does not like his servant coming and interfering when he is conferring, men do not like women interfering when men are talking.

This is only a simple manner of putting it. The reality is a bit more complicated. Because, the woman herself would be in senior and junior positions to so many others, on the basis of age, financial position, career position, her husband's social and official position etc. All these come into play, when the effective affect on the social understanding is to be reckoned. In fact, it is a very careful and successful manipulation of social opinion that can help one arrive and survive on the top. But, survival is possible on the bottom, also. But, not a very enviable one.

Social mobility of Women: Now we come to why the common women of India are so lacking in social mobility. The fact is that they do have a mobility, which is consistent with the level that the language has given them. They can mix with others of their own level, which may not always be on par with the social value of their husband's or of the family. For, in most cases, they live in a subordinate world allowed by the language.  But when it comes to moving in the world where their men are moving, then they do feel the difference.

Generally, one feels that the Indian male is more concerned with the fidelity of his wife than his counterpart in the English world. The self-contradiction of this understanding may be made clear here, as an allusion. It is believed by the average Indian that the women of the West are morally more loose, while Indian women are more homely and loyal. But the understanding is also there that one cannot loosen the rein on the women, for if it is done, she will surely go astray.

Yet, the issue is a lot more complicated than just a factor of fidelity. And the complications may be traced to the language.

The husband and wife exist as sort of team, with one a sort of Captain and the other a subordinate. When this team has to interact together with other individuals, then the same problems that the Indian languages cause when the servant and the master sit together with others, will crop up. Maybe not in the same level, but on similar lines.

Situation A: The husband's friends and close associates come home regularly to interact with the family. The wife is close to the husband mentally and her relation to him is as of a close friend. She also interacts with the regular social gathering in the house. Naturally, it is a very informal setting and the friends will definitely be using intimate forms of address to the husband. That is, of the lowest indicant level, which are also the terms of least respect. But that is what is intimacy is!  But the wife's behaviour will stick out, as she consistently has to limit herself to the respectful level of communications. (That is not only to her husband, but also to all others who are on the level of her husband in age or position, or above him. To the lesser persons she may either use respectful formal terms or if she is impolite enough, may use the less respectful terms. But either of these choices would have entirely different social effects.) This atmosphere, if it is a regular one, becomes funny, heavy and uncomfortable and definitely not the one, one had in mind when a similar social situation in an English environment is imagined.

Situation B: If the wife is regularly conversing with outsiders in a non-English context, initially the others may refer to the woman's husband in respectful terms, which are naturally not conducive for fast communication. Later on, the outsider's would switch on to the easier words of referring, which naturally are devoid of respect. This usually happens when she is dealing with a person who is superior compared to her husband, or one who is in a position wherein he can use less respectful terms without demur. Also, lower social level persons also, once they become a bit close, immediately shift to the lower indicant in a desperate attempt to raise their own social value. Naturally, no husband would like his wife to condone such words on a regular basis. But she may not be able to do anything about it other than to withdraw from such contacts, an action which has a cumulative effect of curbing her social contacts to persons who are also in the same subdued state. In all these discussions, I must remind the reader that these arguments don't fully accommodate persons who are government employees.

Situation C: India is definitely divided into severe social strata. This has been the handiwork of the feudalism in the language. People are divided into classes, which are very much different from the social classes in the English World, because of the factor of the feudal language element and the different indicant words, in it. Earlier there were only castes, now classes are coming which are basically the initiation of new castes. The class structure is based on the language indicants used about them, what they use on other groups etc. Now coming to the issue of women: Consider a husband who moves in the higher levels on account of his social standing, or his educational background, or official position, or his intellectual level etc. His wife should naturally move only on a level of persons who are consistent with this level. In many cases, it is not possible, for she would definitely be in a lower mental level on account of many factors. So, if the neighbour or his wife, who is below the husband in the social levels, mixes with her and becomes friendly, the terms of address and connected package of words may turn to the lower indicant levels.

Naturally it is the duty of the wife to mix intimately only with persons of his standing. But when the neighbour and his wife start using the lower indicant, less respectful, more intimate tone, then it should disturb the wife. In which case, she would immediately withdraw from the contact. But if she is not disturbed, then the husband would be disturbed. For, it is not just a matter of a particular man and his wife using the terms; it is that once others of the same level hear it, they would also use the same words, which can cause the social death of the husband.

What I mean is that if the neighbour and his wife address the wife by her name itself, that itself would cause severe distress to the husband. Also, the wife's age may be less. Naturally, a man of her age may address her by name. But this can be insulting to the husband. Remember there are no such usages that are equivalent to Mrs. in the Indian Languages. Naturally, the husband would like others to concede the superiority of the husband to the wife also, usually. But that can be achieved and assured only by careful mixing and meticulously planned social interaction.

Situation D: If an outsider, like a shopkeeper, or a government official (they naturally do it), a bus conductor etc. starts addressing a person's wife by her maiden name, then the husband would naturally be disturbed. For, this communication level either signifies an unwarranted intimacy or a disturbing dominance. This communication level is achieved by a combination of factors used in measuring a person; her age, her financial position, her other general attributes like superior or inferior personal qualities. The person who does the measurement may do it from his own mean levels, wherein he conceives superiority in certain attributes, which he perceives to be lacking in this woman.

It is all disturbing; but the people are in a sense attuned to it. But in spite of that, once the addressing by name starts, before long the rest of the package for You, She, Her etc. will metamorphosis into the lower indicant. Once this is achieved by the other person, it is not easy to shrug off the dominance that come with the use of these words. No husband would condone it. He would find fault in her social manners. She would go into withdrawal or would rebel. Both without so pleasing effects.

Situation E: When socially respectable men see their wife, sisters, brothers, sons, daughters etc. on equal communication levels with persons of supposed lower levels, like Milk boys, Taxi drivers etc. in such a manner that there comes about a sort of equality in communication, then they get mighty disturbed. They can imagine the havoc in the indicant words that would take place not only between the persons involved in the communication, but also in the minds of all persons who sees or know about it. Decent imperturbable men, suddenly start behaving with a passion that they have never displayed before to check this social penetration. It depends on the quality of persons who surround him, to understand the issue in the right manner. If the persons, around him are sympathetic to the person who has done the social penetration, then he is in a mighty fine jam. For, all sorts of snide remarks and shocking accusations will be publicised about him. He would soon achieve a reputation as a highly suspicious man, or as a snob; or as of a highly unpredictable character etc. Yet, if the persons around him were also of the same classes, which dislike the intrusion of a socially lower person into their circles, he would be admired for his brave attitude. In the former case, it might even add on to the fortunes of the wary, eager Indian Psychologist or Psychiatrists.

It must be mentioned that the effect mentioned here is very much dependant on certain words in the specific language, and the effect may not be the same in all the Indian languages.

Situation F: Next is a very important theme. What I am going to tell is something that remains as a real undercurrent in family relations, and has the power to curtail the wish of the husband to take his wife everywhere with him and also to allow her to move in circles where he is known in his professional capacity.

Husbands are assigned respect by the wife, and placed on a pedestal. But the reality in the outside world would be starkly different. For, he may not get the same level of respect that his wife assigns him, from the outside world. Here he is subject to measurements made on his worth on various aspects and in his professional world, he is assigned a position, which in a majority of the cases, would be inconsistent with the respect and exalted position his wife places him in. He would not like his wife to see the evident character transformation, he has to regularly perform nor the humiliation he has to bear, if possible. So, he would allow access to his wife only to places where he gets an equal level of respect. To put it more forcefully, it means he has to actively discourage his wife from interacting in areas where he is regularly moving. This factor also reduces the wife's ambit of interaction and movement.

In actuality, these are all very painful daily realities persons from the lower Middle Class have to endure, in their desperate attempt to stay in the Middle Class stratum. In a direct corollary to this, it might be added that persons who live in the very lower stratum are not hindered by this; for they are not used to respect from anywhere, in any word or usage; and hence any obsession or phobia, associated with respect fail to affect them at this level, in a severe manner.

What has been described here in great length and in basic terms are not small things, but social realities based on very specific language programs, or words, usage or sentences, that keep women in splendid isolation, inside the confines of the house. It must also be clarified that these ideas are just generalisations, and the specific realities differ according to the wordings and usage in different languages and also in differing dialects. Even in Malayalam, the southern version* gives more breathing space for the women than the northern, and this is very much reflected in the social realities.

But it would be a mistake to believe that the language makes only the women vulnerable. For wherever they get the upper hand, they also take advantage of the language and use it savagely to suppress those under them. (And they have no other choice). As elder sisters-in-law, as mothers-in-law, as petty officials such as village officers in small time places, as receptionists in small business organisations where they double as the boss's word over the other employees and many other situations they take the advantage. So, it is not that one type of persons, or gender is better or better off than the other is. The feudal language makes a person either a tyrant, or an acquiescent. These are not natural personality traits.

Arranged marriages* in India

Now let us discuss the widely practiced system of arranged marriages in India. This system is considered by the modern developed world to be something that is connected to the individual family's indoctrination. Actually it is not so. It is something that is intimately related to the requirements of social hierarchy established by language.

For, once a person is married to another person, then he or she becomes a part of a complex social hierarchy. Everyone in both the partner's family and acquaintance are connected by a web of connections in which each person's hierarchy should be correctly declared. So, when two persons are going to be married, then it should be made sure that the new set of relationship is going to be in agreement with the already existing pattern of relationships, in both the families.

For when two persons get married, it is not just them who are getting related. The grooms younger brother, elder brother, his younger sister, his elder sister, his uncles, his aunts, his cousins etc. are getting into a web of hierarchy of relationships with those of the bride's. Since the language would tend to fix each new relationship into a particular position, the actual social level emanating from their education, job, earnings, intellect etc should be of levels consistent with the new rearrangement. Otherwise, each time his brother meets her brother or sister, or his uncle meets her uncle or aunt, they would have difficulty in communicating with mental ease, just because they have been forced into relationships through someone else's deed. Actually, because of this hierarchy in the language, most of the time people don't interact with intimacy with other people not of their level. But here they are forced to extend intimacy, even though they dislike the idea. Even sitting together in an informal family set-up could give rise to severe communication problems, if non-matching matrimonial relations take place.

Moreover, to whosoever the husband shows reverence, the bride should also show the same deference. This reverence the husband shows is not based on any feeling of appreciation of the other man's intellect or some other admirable capacity, but more due to his own station in society. So also, the bride should be of that level so that she can also show the same level of reverence to that man without hurting her pride. For, it must be understood that in this language situation, showing respect to somebody is not to be returned or reciprocated with the English level of understanding, but rather the language in return would be more of a belittling type. So marriages in India are not just an individual concern, but also one in which the whole society, in general and the whole families concerned, in particular take deep controlling interest.

Moreover when a person who occupy a respectful position in society or is someone who is outside to the social system and is superior to the system, is marrying a girl, he would like to make sure that his bride's brothers or brothers-in-law are of decent (in the context of social hierarchy) standing, otherwise he himself would be referred to in other circles as the brother-in-law of the other person in deprecatory forms of the words "He" and later on in the company of such persons, he would find it difficult to get himself be addressed in the right respectful terms.  For, everyone in this society is preoccupied with measuring another with the help of whatever brief information available, and most of the time, the least of the aspects would be taken into the most consideration. It is not easy to make understood the situation here, but to put it briefly, a person's level is socially understood to be of his new relations in the area, and in all social communication, even if he not present, with regard to him would be with reference to that level, and all such actions as honouring of word, keeping a promise, doing a thing for him, politeness to him, in whose presence he should sit down etc. would be unconsciously regimented.

The whole procedure of prospecting for a bridegroom or a bride by the families is to establish that these things are in order. Like so many things in India, these ideas are not declared in so many words by anyone, but it remains as the central core of all thought in arranged marriage. As such, the prospecting that goes prior to all arranged marriages are aimed at seeing that the right match, in terms of the culture established in the society by the language, is found.

This theme brings us to the realm of dowry*. Dowry is the money or assets that are given to the bridegroom by the bride's parents when the marriage takes place. Here, in the feudal language set up, this system has more meanings than just monetary help to the new couple.  If the bridegroom is from a rich and feudal family, then naturally he would have a lot of servants and dependants and also persons and families that extend reverence and respect to him. The same respect and reverence shall be extended to the new bride only if they feel on their own measurement and judgement that she is of enough social and financial standing. This judging is also done by other members of the family who exists on various levels inside the family. So, dowry is a social action connected with language also.