The vow: The one thing that can make a marriage work is a commitment to make it work, on both sides. In cases of unbearable circumstances, it may be a tough proposition. But the very moment one gets married, there should be a silent vow that he, or she, would put his or her best effort to get it working, whatever may be the obstacles. And when the obstacles start coming up, it would seem that the vow was a pretty tough one. But it would be worth it.
Indulgences: When one has the money, a good job, a good house and all the positive things, that sometimes come a persons way, it is easy to make a marriage work. And also to spoil it. For, such times of luxury could also be the times of indulgences. A husband may not see the finer aspects of a wife who, like a shadow, may arrange the simpler things in life for him, without which one cant exist in decent company, in the midst of glory and attention. And a wife may be unmindful of the needs of a husband, which may be attended to by an inconsiderate servant, or by an over-attentive maid. Children could have tuition teachers. The garden could have a gardener. In fact, everything could have somebody, but the husband may not have the wife and vice versa.
In such a situation, there may be a marriage in existence, but only in a shallow, superficial sense. For, what is a married life, if there is no active communication on a regular basis? This communication can be on many things. It can be on the dismal things, the laughable incidents, the failures, the glories, and on so many things that can make a home a place where the very walls would reverberate with the tone of marital bliss.
The happy interactions with children, a film seen together, a walk in the park in each others company, the wait for the other to arrive, a weekly shopping together, all these things are essential components of a happy married life. It may be seen that these are not difficult things to accomplish. For the rich these cost nothing, unless they reckon time to be more valuable than their marital life.
When the going gets tough: However, in a family where it is a daily struggle against odds to survive and the going gets tougher, then it could be a real test of the strength of the marriage fabric. Couples can react in different ways to this testing situation. It could be one of constant blaming of one another or by one on the other; or it could be a time to show the solidarity that exists between the husband and wife.
The sacred precedence: Even in rich families, there can come irritants to a happy family life. It could come in many ways. But the basics of this may be a casual attitude to the spouse, by the other, or by both to each. There should be an understanding by both, that their family is the first and foremost thing for them in the whole world. It is second to none else. All things, such as relatives including parents, friends, career, hobbies, money, travel etc. all come behind this sacred institution, in the grand scheme of things. Children come in the ambit of this family, and strictly above the level of all these afore mentioned items.
It would seem an unkind thing when I say that mother and father come second in this list. That is how it should be, if your spouse loves his or her parents, then let it be your duty to add on to it; if he or she is disinterested or hates them, let it not be your burden, to make amends for this.
When contraries get attached: It is said that contraries get attracted. Well, if that is so, let it be so. But if persons with contrary bends of mind get married, it need not be a perfect isolation of each others sphere of activities and career. Let each of them talk to each other about the ecstasies and also, of the apprehensions they experience in their fields of activity.
A hero under duress: No wife should demand a role of a hero from her husband, for it could put him under pressure to perform to that level. It would be like being in a film story. A film story runs only in bits, but in real life, scenes progress as in a procession, with many other situations of varying emotions interspersing events of connection. In real life, when every event is considered there is very rarely any person who can be a 24-hour hero. A man of rare courage and daring in certain activities, could also be a man of uncommon timidity and trembling in other situations. A woman should aim for a human as a husband, not a supernatural being.
Likewise, let no man expect superhuman abilities in a wife. She has only the capabilities a human body can perform, even though this body can perform with exceeding qualities in times of contingencies. However, that is only in such times. To expect your wife to continue in that fashion as a way of life is expecting the impossible.
Of being at home: In the ordinary Indian home, the husband takes care of the income earning part and the wife takes care of the house. Actually, there have been corrections to this model in many places of the world. Yet, in India, in many places this is an accepted way of life. When the husband comes home, after interacting with the wide world, with a lot of tensions and, possibly of many pleasant feelings, it is the duty of the wife to see that he comes into a world of cheer and happiness.
Not one where he is bothered with more distracting problems than he can bear. Let these daily interactions be one filled with a lot of sharing of pleasant thoughts. With the evening tea or the night supper, let the various things that are of interest to the family as a whole be discussed with a lot of caring for each others sensitive spots. In life, there are always a lot of things that come one after another that lead to disturbances of mental equilibrium. The duty of the wife is to see that the husband is given an atmosphere that enlivens his spirit and not one that pricks his ego.
Partnership with sacred motives: However, on the husband side, let him not seek an uncomplaining machine in his wife. For, in our country, many men marry for getting an unpaid servant, who would do all the jobs such as making food, cleaning the utensils, washing the clothes, feeding the children, sweeping the floor etc., which also comes with a package of callous sex. Such persons though they may get all these, may miss the essential bliss of married life, which is a sublime experience which goes beyond all these. It is true that an ordinary wife will do all these, with the satisfaction of contributing to the requirements of a family life. Yet, it should not be viewed by the husband as a means of cheap swindle, but as a partnership with sacred motives.
This partnership is one, which should go beyond the realms of ordinary partnerships. A wife is a partner who is more intimate than any other partner or friend; for they are joined to a level of intimacy and interaction, than cannot be practised by any other association. Friends come and go, partnerships also get made and unmade, but in the partnership that creates the family, there is a deeper aim that extends to the end of life.
So extend a little help to the wife in her daily chores, which are all more or less mundane jobs. In the absence of other entertaining events, these activities could make a person weary with monotony. If the husband could find time to enter into the kitchen on not so odd occasions, and join in the daily chores, bringing in the cheer and pleasantness of the dynamic outside world, then the wife could get electrified with a glow of dynamism.
Instead, it must be said, that many husbands treat their wife with the arrogance arising out of the misplaced understanding that she is out there to serve him and all the visitors of the house. It is customary for the husband to call out to the wife to attend to serving water and tea to his friends who might drop in with frequency. She would have to heed it, but then she might be engaged in so many other things, that might get interrupted by this action. An understanding husband can always do these things himself at times, when his wife is busy elsewhere.
Marital peace: One of the things that mark out a happy marriage is what is known as marital peace. There should be a mood of tranquillity, which pervades the atmosphere in a house where they live. This air of quiet gentleness is one which can be felt the moment one moves into the presence of such couples. If this is there in any ones life, then their married life is a great success. As such, it should be the aim of all married persons to aim for it, as the one goal that could lead to the success of all other goals. For in such an atmosphere, a person can perform to his best, without negative thoughts disturbing him, and with unity in aim, which comes along with an understanding of requirements.
There are many things that could disturb the peace in a household. Each one of them requires precise analysis. The various issues, which lead to the inflaming of passions and temper, shall be dealt in detail in the succeeding chapters. In such cases, the theme that should be borne in mind is that all disputes should be within the parameters of a united family, wherein the husband and wife are one, and the outside world is different, and outside to their family. Nothing should be done or said that could break this sacred fabric.
If both of them start blaming each other for the general negativity that seems to pervade their lives, then it could be a one-way trip to disaster, a trip to parting and all the other complications that come with it that could add to the already existing problems. In these blaming, there could actually be a factual basis, on one side or on both. For the sake of their lives at least, there must be some introspection on this; instead of that, just retorting will only aggravate the unbearable-ness of the situation.
Need of introspection: The case of one person blaming the other has to be understood in different lights. This person may be in the habit of putting the burden of blame on another, or there might be a recurring issue that might be the cause of this daily outburst. Each person will have to bear a certain level of responsibility on this aspect. The person who continually bursts out and the other who might be the cause of these outbursts!
Villain of the piece: Yet, the person who brings in the havoc into the family could be the real culprit, and the person who bursts out, could be a helpless victim. Yet, the latter might easily get the reputation of being the villain of the piece.
Being receptive to the confused messages: In the case of the husband continually bursting into anger, the wife should seek to find out if there is anything that might be irritating him. Things that irritate a person are not easy to explain. Even to explain a seemingly simple emotional problem requires a lot of communication abilities, which most people dont have. It also requires the wife to be receptive to the confused manner in which it might come out. It may be seen that if every husband could explain in precise terms as to what is worrying or disturbing him, most of these unpleasant happenings would disappear. However, it is not an easy thing to achieve. For such things as inability to put the emotions in proper words, and the general sense of vulnerability that comes out along with it, disinclines a husband from doing it. Yet, it is the duty of the wife to sense it out and make him divulge his dark insecurities and inhibitions.
The strange compulsions: Another thing the wife should understand is that the mans world out there is different from the secluded world, she is used to. The things and themes on which men compete with each other are entirely different from what she can understand or perceive. Interacting with this world, a husband comes under strange compulsions, the magnitude and intricacies of which, the wife should try to understand. Even then in our social condition, where most women have no inkling of how men interact with each other in their absence, it may require a bit of intuition on the part of the woman.
The factor of food: Now about the factor of food in a happy married life. Usually it is the wife who is in charge of this aspect. Remember that the way to the mans heart is through the stomach. One of the best things that a husband coming home after work would like to receive is good, tasty, wholesome food. It is one of the greatest pleasures a man can get at home from his wife, and if such a thing is forthcoming on a regular basis, then it needs to be said that he would consider it as one of his major achievements, in regard to his marriage. A wife who is capable of doing this will automatically get a lot of affection. For the tasty, stimulating food is something positive, and the wife will naturally be associated with something positive. At the same time, a casual, indifferent attitude to preparation of food could bring out the worst taste in food and could reflect the wifes attitude to her husband or to his comforts.
Many women are good in cooking, but there are many who arent. Especially women, who come from houses where the aspect of food was considered as insignificant, may find it difficult to bring out the flavour in food. Yet women, who want to make their family life a success, and endeavour to contribute to it constructively, should think about improving their culinary skills. In this modern world, in this age of information revolution, and far distance communication, so much knowledge from all over the country and the world are at hand for the seeker. Making use of this opportunity, a wife should improve her cooking variety and succeed in making dishes of attractive, if not exquisite, taste. It may be remembered that variety can whet the appetite. The same dish, and same flavour everyday, could be a real turn off for the appetite, even if the cooking is good, and the food rich in content.
The husband can also participate in cooking, for many men nowadays are expert cooks. Yet, it needs to be emphasised that their participation should be a help to the wife and not an addition to the problems. Some men just do the work by making their wives appendages and helpers, and the wives have to be available at their beck and call. So in effect, it doesnt help the wife in the real sense of the word. For if help is intended, it should be a real one of minimising the efforts of the wife. Not one, which will add on to it.
These types of occasional joint efforts could kindle a spirit of romance in the couple and also give them time to interact in talks of minor things, which are things that add spice to life.
